Shinra

More entertaining than informative, this section has survived from Cryptic Puppet's first incarnation and refuses to be replaced. That said, I give to you this warning: much Shinra bashing and silliness abounds.

The Shinra are like the fascist army of the Final Fantasy VII world, and are corporate leads in just about everything. They are very rich, very controlling, and very nasty. To acquire more money (not that they need it) they've built Mako Reactors that suck up the planet's spiritual energy, slowly killing it as well as all other living things by extension. But they don't care. They've got money on the mind 'n they've left their logic behind.

The first president of Shinra is a vertically-challenged, horizontally-endorsed, lime-haired moustached idiot who thinks he can run the world through lies, manipulation, false promises, and the continued acquisition of money (and hey! It actually works... for a time). Thankfully Sephiroth comes along and kills him off before he annoys you to the point of wanting to reach into the game and squish his puny pruny head.

The second president is the above jerk's son, Rufus. He's younger, thinner, hotter (bishounen material here!), blonder, pointier (Draco Malfoy, is that you?) and is more than happy to take on the position of president after his old man passes away. Like his late father, Rufus is prone to rambling, and often goes off on a tangent (as pointed out by Tifa) much to everyone's irritation. Rufus believes in the idea of control through fear (f33r h1m!). Unfortunately, like his father, this beautiful boy is killed in Weapon's attack on Midgar. Too bad, so sad—wait, what? He lived, you say? And now he's secretly on Reeve's side, using all of his father's hard-wrought cash to aid in the W.R.O.'s efforts? Blasphemy!

And now for the Shinra groupies:

Palmer is head of Space Travel and Research, and was the one who originally funded the Shinra 26 Rocket for Cid Highwind. He's a big fat man, much similar in make to the original President, but rather more sillier and stupider. He also likes lard in his tea, and we just can't have that. His primary weapon is the Mako Gun, and it sucks.

Scarlet is the head of Weapon Research and Development, and she has a major problem with "kyahahaha"ing. She's a big b#&ch, and even initiates a cat fight with poor Tifa. She's also quite the skank, struttin' around in her much-revealing red dress and high heels. So what if she made the Sister Ray at Midgar. Bimbo alert.

Heidegger is the head of the Peace Preservation department, and has a major problem with "gyahahaha"ing (even Rufus in a funny moment called it a "horse-laugh"). He's a big fat man with a big-arse beard, and wears a hideous green and yellow suit. Actually, he kinda reminds me of Hagrid, except meaner. EVIL TWIN ALERT! He's also the commander of the Turks. In contradiction to his job, Heidegger breaks the peace through wanting solely to destroy anything and everything he possibly can.

Hojo is a mad scientist (double entendre, that is), head of the Science Department and the instigator of the JENOVA project. He's also Sephiroth's dad. What I don't understand is how a hotty like Sephiroth could have a monster-faced dad like Hojo. Lucrecia (Sephiroth's mom) wasn't all that cute either. (I TAKE THAT BACK! My anger got the best of me. Apologies.) Oh yeah, Vincent hates Hojo's guts. The party gets to kill him in the game, yay.

Mayor Domino is the coolest ol' kook around Shinra HQ. His office resides on the 62nd floor next to a small library full of books from which he randomly selects his passwords. Guess his password correctly and he'll become so happy he'll give you both a prize and the 63rd floor keyboard. But why would he help AVALANCHE, you ask? Because he wants revenge for being treated 'badly'! Fun!

Shinra Headquarters is located in central Midgar, and has about 70 floors of pointless stuff. It's heavily guarded (not) and full of useful information (not). You need key-cards to access certain levels of the building. All in all, its a rather annoying place. By the way, never ever use the stairs. Always enter from the front. The guards have nothing on the abominable stairway route.